flameofhealing.com

December 29, 2010   Looking Back

   I’ve often been told, “Let the past be in the past.” However, I believe there are some excellent reasons for reviewing what has happened, in the past year, or even longer. First, it can be a great time of appreciating the good memories and cherishing the moments of love and tenderness. I’ve had many such moments with our granddaughter. I hold each one dear. Second, it can be a time of learning from mistakes. When I’ve said something that wasn’t received so well, no matter how I meant it, I have learned to hold my tongue. That’s quite a feat for me! And finally, looking back can be a season of releasing past hurts, forgiving more completely and entrusting emotions to God more completely. I would not want to hold onto past emotional pain any more than I would want the physical pain I endured during my recovery from my partial knee replacement surgery to continue to plague me. Releasing emotional pain to God allows me to reach toward the new year and new opportunities with excitement and anticipation. I love holding onto the wonderful memories and releasing all the negative as though I’m having them ground up in my garbage disposal. It is a great way to balance the ending of one year and the beginning of another. May you have that same balance and with it, blessings of God.

December 24, 2010   The Wonder of Jesus
   Greatest man in History, Jesus, had no servants, yet they called him Master, had no degree, yet they called him Teacher, had no medicines, yet they called him Healer, had no army, yet kings feared him, won no military battles, yet he conquered the world, committed no crime, yet they crucified him...He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today. He is the reason for the season.

December 7, 2010   Christmas Light

   I have always loved the beautiful lights of Christmas. The warmth and beautiful aroma of the candles and the flickering lights adorning the Christmas tree bring such a wonder to my heart! I’m like a little child once again; I love to rest late at night, just soaking in the Christmas splendor. As beautiful as it is, there is still a light that is more – the light of life itself, Jesus. All the childlike wonder that comes with the decorations of Christmas should really be placed in awe of Him. The tree, ornaments and even the gifts point to Jesus Christ, each in a unique way. Too easily, Jesus is left out of the equation and it all becomes a commercialized excuse for a hollow celebration. Join me in childlike awe of the one light, the creator of light, who set aside everything to become a lowly child, born in the midst of smelly animals, who gave His life so that each person on earth could be reconciled to a holy God and receive the ultimate gift of eternal life of fellowship with the Triune God. To honor this Christ is the reason for the season.

   Quite a number of years ago, I received a gift that has blessed me beyond measure. An older gentleman, who had given many years of his life as a medical missionary in Africa, brought me a hand-carved wooden figure that someone in Africa had carved. At only 6 inches tall, it is delicate and precious. It is the representation of the hand of God with a little girl leaning into the comfort of His hand. From the moment I received it, I have been blessed, for I am that little girl and I am learning to lean into the comfort of my Lord God. His hand is wrapped around my tiny frame and His tenderness fills up all the need in me. This wooden figurine is a daily reminder of the gift of God in my life, His tenderness and love for me is all I need. As I enter the season of celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, it is my endeavor to value even more highly the many gifts that He has given me, salvation (when I was a little child at a Vacation Bible School), gentle loving care through the difficult years and my ever-present Comfortor. There is so much more, that all the Gifts He has lavished upon me would take a book to write! Perhaps that is why I am a writer, to make my lists and expound on the love of Jesus, my Savior.

November 22, 2010   My Life is Like… A Puzzle!

   When I was little, I would cling like Saran Wrap to my friends. They were there for me at the starting place of my life puzzle. Like straight-edged pieces stoically interlocking strength and love, they protected me from falling off the edge of sanity.

   When I met and fell in love with my dear husband, I learned that my life had color, depth and beauty. I gathered each piece of like geometry and hue, linking them where they fit into the puzzle of my life.

   My children brought even more beauty to my puzzle. I began to see how it all was coming together to create something intricate and gorgeous.

   I’m still piecing it together, but I’ve come to realize that every piece I pick up and gaze at is a precious moment with a friend or family, a cherished memory and one of the millions of minutes that God has given me for this puzzle. He has prepared the picture of the puzzle of my life. It includes some pain here and there, but I think that’s where His Presence makes in glimmer with the power of His love.

November 18, 2010   A Punch in the Gut

   From pain carried years ago, there rose up a demon to punch me in the gut. It took me a couple of days to work through the implications, but I refuse to absorb the pain once again. I have asserted myself to the one who seeks to attack, the father of lies. My hope and my certainty is in my Savior, Jesus. It does not rest in my “goodness,” for that is limited to what one really knows about me. It does not rest in what others can do for me, out of pity or love, for as much as they may care, they do not know the depth of my need. It certainly does not rest in what I can do for myself; over and over again, I have proven that I am unable to provide for the true need that is deep within me. My hope and my certainty is only in my Savior, Jesus. He created me; He sustains me now. Wherever my emotions slop around, my hope remains in my Lord. I trust Him, for every attack that comes my way. I know I will be victorious. Whatever any demon tries to throw my way, Jesus is there to protect me and see me through to His victory, the first fruits of life eternal.

November 15, 2010   The Wonder of Worship

   I used to fit in the box of what I thought worship was. I sat in the pew of recommended liturgy, learned the notes of directed music and too often prayed the prayer of hollow, pious litany. This was my first taste of worship. It was merely the appetizer. I have begun the main course, drinking deeply of the Presence of the Living God, feasting on exquisite flavors of honoring The Creator of all things, having all of my senses filled ’till they overflow of all the love and peace and powerful joy the Lord bestows upon me. Worship no longer fits in a box; it expands my world of God’s love every time I enter in, limitless in stillness, abundant in breathtaking music, deeply fulfilling in relationship with my Father God, my gracious, loving Savior and my ever-present, ever-empowering Spirit.

November 12, 2010  
Mother/Daughter Fun

VCR gave up the ghost –

A call of help to Dad & Mom –

Next call: Found one on Craig’s List!

Mom’s thought – safety

Let’s drive together.

The fun begins…

1.     Map Quest’d the address

-       messed up the printout

-       zoom out & zoom in on the same side of the paper!

2.     Drove to the general vicinity

-       couldn’t pronounce the street name

-       it became “Wierdo Way”  

3.     Found “Wierdo Drive,” “Wierdo Terrace,” but “Wierdo Way” was elusive.

-       drove around what seemed to be big circles ’till our brains were pretzels

      and we were laughing hysterically

4.     Finally found “Wierdo Way”

-       and the address

-       and the VCR

Melinda and I always have adventures together. We’re both blessed!  

November 9, 2010   Ramp It Up!

   Last week, I had an experience that woke me up to what God will be doing in my life in this new season. I’ve been exercising my knee in physical therapy in the advanced knee group for a couple of weeks, to develop balance and strength. I began last week’s workout on the treadmill, to stretch out the legs and prepare for the more challenging exercises. I pushed the arrow-up button to increase the speed to the upper end of my comfort zone for walking. When I released the button, the speed continued to increase! Very soon, I was running and having a hard time concentrating on anything as the speed continued it’s wild take-off! By the time one of the therapists came to my aid and began to halt the increase and initiate the decrease in speed, I had come to the end of my ability to keep up and jumped onto the stationary boards on the side, finally resting as the machine slowed down from its sprinting speed. The therapist said, “I can see you’re ready if a dog chases you!”

   As I was praying about what to write today, (these days I seek guidance from God on my writing -  His wisdom is far above my own) His Spirit whispered to my soul that what I experienced on the treadmill is a hint of what is coming physically and spiritually. I’ve been preparing my knee for normal daily activities. The Lord revealed to me that I’ve also been preparing both physically and spiritually for the work that He has called me to. He revealed to me that He is going to ramp up the speed and intensity of my personal ministry of helping people who are hurting from abuse and trauma and are seeking healing through the power of God, as well as new ministry opportunities that He has been preparing me for. At the same time, He will surround me with people who will be there to support me and minister with me, just as the therapist helped me to be safe. I have always had challenges with my physical abilities, or what I thought were disabilities, limiting what I could do. The Lord showed me that He is doing a work of healing in my entire body, that not only my knee, but all of my body would be prepared to do this fast-paced, intense work of ministry. A confirmation of this came today, as I went to my doctor for a regular checkup. My blood pressure was a bit on the low side, which is something I’ve never in my life had happen. As God prepares my body for this new work, it may just turn out that my doctor decreases my medication, or even removes it altogether! The runaway treadmill is a graphic reminder for me to not fear the increase in speed and intensity, as well as to be confident that He will provide support and provision and I will always be safe and loved. What an exciting time! I’ll keep you posted as it all unfolds.

November 4, 2010  Winds of Change

   I’ve always loved fall and spring, with the crisp winds whipping the plentiful leaves all over. This fall has been especially exhilarating because I am feeling so much better. It was not so long ago that every step was jammed with horrible pain and now I am able to walk with no pain. It is far easier to see the beauty in life when constant pain is not clouding the vision. For several years, I have been anticipating great changes in my life, for the better. With the healing of my knee and the restoration of movement, I am beginning to see the first imprints of those changes. It almost seems like watching the branches of the trees move before you step out into the breeze. I can see, in my spirit, the movement of the Spirit of God. But I am still in a protected place, waiting to be fully thrust into His movement – the thrust He has been preparing me for all of my life. I do not fear the winds of change, for with His movement there is also His provision and over all, His love.

October 31, 2010  Buck the System

   It seems the whole world has a fascination with death and despair. To celebrate evil and death is the antithesis of my life. I buck the system with all that is in me. Satan and his demons are not willing to just have Halloween to suck people into their sick lair, but they want every day, every deception that they can grab. In the last few years, there have been Halloween-type movies released on Christmas Day. The interest with vampires that has gripped people around the world reveals the true level of sickness. Halloween is by no means a fun little holiday, for children to merely get a bunch of candy. It is the abdication of the spiritual realm to the control of demonic forces by the ignorant, those who have a check in their spirit but choose to ignore it and those who are in full rebellion from God. Today and every day, I buck the system of that abandonment and hold onto the full strength that God freely gives His people in the spiritual realm. In my life, there is a fascination with life, not death. 

October 30, 2010  Hope is a Good Thing

   Without hope, I would easily slide into despair.

Because hope is my companion, I anticipate the beauty of life and the blessings of life.

I am learning to set aside my inner rantings that too easily remove hope from my day.

The best is in whom I have my hope, for hope alone is like a hollow log,

fun for playing with, but not very stable.

My hope is in my God, for every breath and movement of my body,

for those I love and cherish and (I’m learning) even those I occasionally avoid.

My hope is in the Creator of all the universe and the tiny things like the atom.

Hope in God is complete security.

October 29, 2010  A Season of Stretching

    Physically – Bending, moving, lifting, just until it really hurts,

         a little more each day, a little healthier each day.

    Spiritually – Listening to God, beginning every day with His Word,

         aligning my life with Jesus love and compassion.

    Educationally – Learning Quick Books, writing every day on my novel,

         editing, striving to become a better writer.

    Emotionally – Enjoying the moments of life, resting in the love of God,

         family and friends, letting go of perceived wrongs quickly.

    This is my season of stretching.

October 11, 2010
Grandmother's Joy
Precious moments spent together ...

   ~ reading and learning to read

   ~ folding laundry and playing tug-of-war with the towels

   ~ tickling and twisting noses

   ~ playing house with dolls

   ~ having fun being girls

   ~ eliminating boundaries of age

Sharing love, so precious a love.

In-Between
I've had a most difficult year -
helped a friend move in April and again in July
moved w/ hubby in May
helped our kids move in Sept.
all summer heavy yard work
through it all, more and more pain w/ right knee
had to stop finally because of the pain
partial knee replacement surgery in late Sept.
finally, beginning to recover w/ lessening pain in mid-Oct.

April 5, 2010   A Bad Habit Changed  

   How easy it is to make demands ~

       and then feel hurt & betrayed

             when the ugliness is ignored

                  and the better path is chosen.

   So selfish is the need to control ~

       perpetual crisis is the result

            spiraling downward to the abyss

                 of self-pity and depression.

    With the serious commitment to living

         in the power of the Living God, by His Spirit,

              the revealing of a bad habit ~

                  and the question of how serious indeed

                        is that commitment.

   A complete turn-around ~

        a new way of life takes hold:

             respect in word and action

                  a love less focused on self

                        and more on trust ~

                              of God and the leadership role

                                   of the one to whom I pledged

                                         to honor in marriage.

March 31, 2010    Optimism

            Strength in a challenge ~

                Peace in the midst of conflict ~

                    Joy that is deeper than circumstances ~

                        Opportunity for growth in difficult situations ~

                            Living in the grace and love of the Living God.

March 30, 2010    Balance

    I often find myself in a position of being an advocate for someone, of balancing respect for them and for those I need to communicate with about their needs. I am learning that this is a gift from God, one that challenges me to the core. It is hard to remain respectful in life situations; it is also exhausting. I sometimes find myself indulging in selfish habits like overeating or playing computer games all day, when I feel stretched tight. It is like I am rebelling, rather than embracing this gift. By focusing on it, I am finding new insight; I realize that I would rather seek God’s blessing and receive His grace, to bless all those I communicate with and mature in the way I handle the stress that comes with advocacy. By writing it down, I am exploring my feelings and desires, evaluating if I want to be selfish, or selfless. I long to honor God with my words and actions. The next step is clear – seek the wisdom of God in developing this gift and giving Him the glory as it is utilized.

March 29, 2010    Between the Raindrops

    Having a warm home to go to, I pondered the beauty of the rain. The first ½ hour, before my coat was soaked through, I felt warm and was free to enjoy the dancing of the tiny, spring leaves as they glistened in the wet reflections of the night lights around the park. The sounds of the rain mesmerized me, with tiny splashes and the larger plops of raindrops that gathered in the trees until their weight could not be tolerated. The darkness seemed to come alive with the life-giving rain. The night seemed to rock with nature’s laughter, sprinkled with tears. The earth reverberated with the aura of drinking in the gift of God’s liquid provision. In the solitude of my nightly security check on the park, my senses were awakened to new realities of the spring rains, to the absolute beauty of God’s creation.

    Springtime always brings forth new hope, new life and fun memories. I remember counting down the days left in the classroom, anticipating the warm, lazy, summer days. It is really funny that I should find myself counting down the days until the duties are complete here at the park. I’m not too old to feel the anticipation of beautiful, warm days and a relaxation of duties. There will come new responsibilities in a new season of life, but I relish the thought of a time of rest. I find myself saying to myself with each nightly security walk, cleaning and restocking supplies, “There is one night less I will have to do this.” Hubby and I are enjoying anticipating the cessation of the public life, complete with people gawking in our windows! We have wonderful and funny memories of our season as caretakers; we have met many wonderful people and have developed great friends. For now, the countdown is on!

March 19, 2010   Transition – Again!

   In the span of only a week, several decisions have been thrust upon us and we have chosen to end our tenure here at the park. It was difficult, since we have wonderful memories from the 5 + years here at Glenn Otto. At the very same time, I was helping my friend take tours of assisted living facilities. She is in need of assistance; it would help alleviate a lot of stress for her and help her to take care of herself better. She found one that is perfect for her needs. As I shared with her our decision to move, she offered to sell us her mobile home at a fantastically low price. We accepted her generous offer, acknowledging the power and grace of God in the timing, provision and blessing the entire situation of both her and us. This has thrust us into a flurry of activity. I am helping my dear friend, of 20 + years, with her packing. My great hubby has offered to help her move and then I will be cleaning up, which she is completely unable to do. All of this is planned for the month of April; in the meantime, I will be packing up our stuff and getting ready to move around the first week of May. After cleaning up two houses after the moves, packing and unpacking, I believe I will be quite exhausted!

   We are looking forward to enjoying our weekends, free of the caretaker duties we’ve had most of the weekends of these 5 years. We are so very thankful for these years of living in a beautiful park! And now, God’s gracious provision for us continues; we will be building equity, while living in a mobile home as we buy our own home, both at a very low cost. I am in awe of how God opened the door of transition, then confirmed it in our hearts. My prayer now will center on seeking strength, peace and blessing in all the details of this huge transition.

March 17, 2010   Afternoon of Memories
I’ve been going from one major project to the next, recently, with not much of a breath in-between. One of those projects was a unique thanksgiving celebration (yes, in March!) for a loved one who was sequestered by his choosing, away from family and friends; but now he is home and we are so very thankful. Success is for me a measure of relationships blessed. Visiting with childhood friends, the years, at least 28, melted away. The afternoon was filled with the carefree memories of our youth, with laughter filling the air. Our memories buttressing all that we are, we found ourselves hugging over and over with the joy of renewed friendships. Good food made the day all the more special. Years of prayer for those relationships were answered in an afternoon. I am in awe of the blessings God brought to all who were there.

                              1 Corinthians 2:9

March 1, 2010    New Skills – Stretching Time!

    I am thrilled to be a mom; I’m finally getting comfortable with being an encourager, not a super-involved teacher. The very best is watching my adult kids (they’ll always be my kids!) grow and develop new skills. This year, each one has stretched in ways I have hoped for and prayed for, in education, career and personal skills. I have just learned about the one who was labeled “disabled” has surpassed so many barriers and is now crocheting! Her fine motor skills were once labeled “poor” and yet, here she is, learning, striving, and mastering the crochet hook. There is no limit to the ability of one whose heart is pure, whose desire is the best for loved ones, whose hope for a fulfilling life is placed in God. I am so full of joy, resting and enjoying the fruit of God’s work in those I have entrusted to His love and grace.

February 26, 2010    Rainy Day Blues

   Rain is a common occurrence in our community. I would guess most people I see when it rains do not think about it all that much. We just slug on our coats and have umbrellas on hand to go on with our days. For some, the rain tends to bring on the blues. Occasionally, it is really based on a physical need for the body to have a certain type of light and is a very real malady. A few years ago, I began to recognize in myself a pattern of the blues, or light depression, in mid-January through February. Once I became aware of it, I began to study how I felt and what brought it on and also what helped. I found that it usually hit me after the holidays, as an emotional downer after the wonderful high emotions of Christmas. After all the decorations were put away, I seemed to fall headlong into the blues and the rain just happened to be pouring down for the month or so I felt so bad. Every year, it happened – that is, until last year. Something different happened last year. The book I’ve written, Flame of Healing, in which God has transformed the worst of my memories of a violent youth to be the exact place of hope for healing, began to be used by ministries to help their clients. It began in January and wiped away the rainy day blues. This year, the blues never arrived, for another huge step for this book is coming about. Flame of Healing will be used, beginning this spring, to teach Chaplains how to understand the in-depth spiritual healing process. For me, the rainy day blues had nothing to do with a lack of light, but rather, the gut level memories of horrors no child should ever have to live through. It is the transformation of those memories to something of hope, of life and of healing, that wipes out the blues in my soul.

February 25, 2010    One Thing Leads to Another

   Sometimes, I get caught in a wave of things that I started, but didn’t plan on the results that came. Arguments can do that. A couple of years ago, hubby and I had a horrible argument and he left in a huff. I took a walk by the river, to have time to get a better focus on the problem and just breathe in the fresh, spring air. I walked to the end of a trail and decided to follow the river bank back. I was fine for awhile, but then I came upon a section where blackberry vines had grown out over the edge of the river.  I crawled under some of the brambles and then found myself facing even more. I had a choice to make. I could go back, or try to a) step on the edge of the sand, b) carefully hold on to a tree limb, c) lean out over the water and d) go around the prickly vines. I decided to go for it; with my first step/lean out over the water, the sand gave way and I went “plop!” into the cold river, sitting and completely wet up to my waist. I sloshed my way back home, feeling very cold and silly, and changed. When hubby came home, I told him of my cold, wet walk to - and fall into - the river, he laughed so hard we both forgot even what we were arguing about! It turned out to be the perfect way to resolve our differences that day.   

February 24, 2010    Fish, Anemones & Coral

   Marriage is a balancing of two individuals and their interests. Sometimes it seems like a tug-of-war! My hubby has a very unique personality; he likes collections. Over the years, he has focused on canaries (30 at one time!), computers, bicycles, “denim days” figurines from Home Interiors and one of the most enduring collections, fish. In the last two years, his interest expanded from fresh water to salt water fish. I have learned to support him in whatever collection he has, which has developed in me a measure of patience (to not blow my lid at the cost!). The salt water aquariums are beautiful and calming. We are blessed to have cement under the carpet, to withstand the 90 gallon tanks – water is extremely heavy! The beauty of the salt-water fish is stunning. One of the anemones shrinks at night and balloons out during the day, when a clown fish (one that looks like Nemo) rubs against the anemone’s floating arms. The anemone gets food off the clown fish. They look like they’re having fun together. In one of the other tanks, we have a coral-banded shrimp, which has long antennae and about 8 delicate legs. The shrimp scared us one day; we saw his limp body floating at the bottom of the tank. We then noticed him swimming all around, quite alive. We learned that he sheds his outer skin, even his antennae, just like a snake! Even though I would have never considered caring for aquarium fish (they do take a lot of time, money and effort), our home is a more beautiful place because Rod has.

February 23, 2010    Organize & Prioritize

   I found a way to organize things that are important for me to do. I have been so disorganized enough over the years that days, weeks and even years have slipped by with me barely getting myself showered and dressed before my family returned from school and work. Summers slipped by with me barely noticing the warm sunshine. When I started coming out of the black cloud of emotional pain from my youth, I found a way to spur me on to get things accomplished. I made a chart and found that it did work for me. I listed things that were a priority and how often I needed to do them:

            Daily – Bible Study, laundry, dishes, make the bed, writing

                        Weekly – thorough cleaning of one room at a time, sewing projects, yard work, 
                                dusting, helping friends with transportation to/from doctor’s appointments

                                    Monthly – any of the weekly items that have been missed, because of
                                            illness etc.

I find myself returning to this chart, with adjustments to fit my current projects. I have done a printout and posted it on the fridge, on the front of a binder and near my computer. It helps me to re-focus my mind on achieving something positive each day. I try not to make it too stringent, but flexible enough to encourage me. It has really helped me.

February 22, 2010    Two Very Different Places

   A dry, hard ground –

            A place of healing turned sour.

   Broken dreams swallowed up –

            A house of prideful airs.

   Hoping for a sign of recognition –

            Fed instead a meal of being ignored.

   Never good enough, ever missing the mark –

            Of fashion, poise and popularity.

   Found a new home –

            A house of honesty, truth and love.

   Surprises of recognition –

            Of value and appreciation.

   Part of a team now –

            Creativity encouraged, passion ignited.

   I’ve found my peaceful place to worship –

            The Bible says it so well:

            Psalm 86:10

February 19, 2010     Ignore – or – Dig In!

   This morning, I had a choice. I had begun to slide into the beginning of a depression. It is so easy to do; the first step downward is feeling sorry for myself – poor me! I knew I could continue on that path and basically ruin my day, or choose to walk a different path, a path of being productive and uplifted. I have lots of projects to do, sewing, yard work, writing, working out at the health club and cleaning up around the house. I have had days that I ignored everything to stay in that pity party. Today, I made a conscious decision to not go there. It started with that choice. When I choose to dig in, taking one step at a time, I can accomplish so much. There are days that I have to remember to take a break; I go from one project to the next energized and excited. I would love to have every day like that. I am thankful that today, I chose well. Also in the mix, is the choice to connect with God. If I let even one day slip by without lifting my heart to my Savior, the slide downward into the pity party, and further into depression, has greased, slick sides that make me fall faster and further than I would ever want. I have learned, I need God in my life, every day. It is very real; His Presence in my life helps me every day. Without my Lord God, I would be miserable. With Him, I am lifted up and enabled to be productive and happy.

February 18, 2010     A Hint of Spring

     I was just taking a walk in the brisk air of a February afternoon. I was chided by a bird, in groups of three chatters; he did not want me walking in his park! Throughout the park, mounds of dirt lay pushed up and out, revealing the work of at least one family of moles. The perennial flowers have begun their primary growth, huddled together in clumps of green. The squirrels playfully chased each other ‘round and ‘round the trees, then up and down again, oblivious of the chilly day that was still clinging to winter. About this time of year, I long for the warm days of spring and summer and the beauty of new growth and blooming out. Today, there was a hint of the beauty that is burgeoning forth in the timetable of the Creator. Every day, I watch with anticipation.

February 17, 2010  

     Warmth flows from the God of love ~

            to the one who seeks His Presence.

     Answers to the deep questions of the heart ~

            given freely to the one who receives the Son, Jesus.

     Encouragement, enlightenment, sweet holiness ~

            fellowship united as one with The Father, Spirit and Son.

     Anger, malice and pain swallowed up as desert rain ~

            forgiveness, release and rest spur deep breathing in the chest.

     Peace reigns in the universe, Peace of The Almighty ~

            The Creator, The Savior, The Comforter, The Father ~ Daddy God.

February 16, 2010    Honoring Those We Love

    The concept of identity changes as the years go by. Childhood is filled with wonder, learning and exploring. Teenage is the exciting season of self-identity. The young adult years fly by with an identity laden with responsibility, with career, spouse and children vying for attention. Added to the mix is the season of caring for aging parents, bringing with it a whole basketful of emotions. And finally, the elderly years when one who has been strong and vibrant awakens to weakness and illness and is in the need of care. In every season of life, every memory of family and friends, it is in the choice of honoring those we love that brings fulfillment and profound joy to the soul. How sad it is that so much is wasted on anger, resentment and ultimately hatred! Every moment with those I love is time I cherish. The season of life that I’m currently in (those pesky menopause years!) brings contemplation of life’s events, emotions and values. I’m extremely thankful that I’m learning how to honor those I love, with gracious words, loving actions and time together.

February 13, 2010    Winds of Change

    We live in a wind vortex. The beautiful Columbia Gorge breeds high winds and Troutdale is at the west end, receiving gusty wind that is warm in the summer and bitingly cold in the winter. The park where we are the caretakers is near the north end of the Sandy River Gorge and has wind whipping down through the majestic evergreens of the park. On a windy day, the wind has a howling effect among the trees, as they sway all the way up their high trunks. I love the wind, but I could sure loose the cold! The wind brings excitement and anticipation to my soul. I feel like my life is on the brink of something big and any minute, I will be carried on the winds of change. I have no fear, because I know I am in the perfect care of the Almighty God, who holds the stars in place and knows where He sends the wind, even the wind of change. I am waiting expectantly for what lies ahead; yet I have the feeling I’m already riding on the winds of change, but I am not sure where I’m going to land. One thing that has hastened this is making the change that God wanted me to, of which I wrote just a few days ago. I’m feeling a newfound freedom with the new level of respect I have for my beloved. I wonder why I missed it for so many years; I never liked the feeling of the demanding, self-focused disrespect I was caught up in. It was like a never-ending cycle of bad feelings. It’s a new life, beginning each morning with joy rather than anger. I didn’t even realize how much anger built up in my system. Now, I am free to glide on the wind, like a kite full of wonder. I’m floating on the wind of change and I love it!

February 10, 2010   Money Woes

    When I was about 8 or 9 years old, I had the brainy idea that I wanted to dig through the Earth all the way to China. I began in my yard, with a hole about 3’ or 4’ in diameter. The first thing I ran into, after a few roots was a large rock. I kept digging, trying to dig around the rock, with no success. The rock spanned the entire hole and I never did get around it. Finally, I stopped digging, with my high expectations foiled by a crazy rock. That hole is still there, carrying with it the silly ideas of a child. I think I had high expectations about money, when I entered adulthood and marriage. I was greatly confused about life in general, much less understanding finances. Money became a huge issue as our family grew, because it became the foundation for the desperate need I had for personal and family security. I wanted to control everything in order to feel secure, money, job choices, and purchases. This has been an on-going blight lasting numerous years. As I began to grow in faith, I sought the wisdom of God to help me learn how to cope with the stress, as well as how to lessen the grip money has had on my emotions. There have been tiny steps since I began to seek the Lord for help, but this week, I was led to a giant leap. In dealing with another issue, I felt the Lord’s Word in the Bible jump off the page with relevant encouragement that I should make sure I respect my husband. (Ephesians 5:33) I found myself examining my actions and the attitudes behind them. I realized that even though I have claimed that I respected him, my actions revealed the opposite. In the process of turning around and following God’s direction, I am learning even more about how this respect, the real thing this time, reflects God’s direction for many other areas in my life. This morning, as I released my tight grip on money and his purchases, I realized that I was placing my trust for security in the grace and provision of my Lord Jesus. It was a good feeling, something like the feeling I had as a little girl when I stopped digging, setting aside my childish expectation of digging clear through the Earth.

February 9, 2010    New Insight ~ New Perspective

   For years, I’ve been nagged by a confusion concerning one whom I hold dear. It yanked me around and made me feel as dense as I was one morning when I tried to cook some eggs, but forgot to turn the stove on. I prayed often, seeking wisdom in the matter and placed my relationship with this person into the love and grace of God. Here and there, I’ve received tiny nuggets of truth that have helped me to be patient and gracious. How I respond to my loved one is as important as my understanding of this confusing situation. A couple of days ago, I received new insight, but with it came a bucket-load of anger. This is often the pattern; I peel off a new layer of wisdom and then because of my emotions dealing with it, I have to reign in a negative attitude. It keeps me going back to God, for His wisdom and direction. I prayed in the evening, asking God to help me respond in the way He would guide me. I knew that if I stayed on my own course, I would stay with the anger – which would do nothing but exacerbate the problem. The very next morning, as I was reading my Bible study passage, a verse jumped out at me, getting at the exact problem of how I should respond to my new level of understanding. In just a whisper of the Spirit of God, I learned that God had full understanding of the situation and the only thing I am responsible for is my behavior and my attitude. I found myself reviewing my actions and attitudes and found them to be more disrespectful and unloving than I had thought. God was helping me to focus on myself and that I need to reinvest my energies to being loving and respectful and accept that He knows the heart of my loved one. I appreciated the new understanding; I needed the new perspective of love and respect building into my life.    

February 5, 2010    What is Middle Age in the Light of Eternity?

   I remember thinking, during my teen years, that middle age was oh, around 45-55 years old. Now that I’m there, I would much rather think of middle age in some different frame of reference! I firmly believe that every person will have an eternal existence; the only thing to decide is the address of that existence. The choice is to receive Christ Jesus as Savior and Lord, thereby living eternally within the Presence of God, or to reject Christ – whether by active or passive choices, thereby spending eternity away from the Presence of God. The Almighty God is completely respectful of individuals’ choices and will never force a person to receive Him. Whether with God, or alone, an eternal expanse of time is a bit hard to imagine, much less measure. When does the middle of that come? It’s like trying to think about the number of individual grains of sand throughout the Earth, or the number of stars and distances in the universe. Trying to think about how old I am in the light of eternity has been a lark for today. It is easier to think about my own earthly existence as a farm animal; I am like a spring chicken with a little of my spring sprung!

February 4, 2010    Curve Ball Coming at Ya

    Just about the time I make adjustments in my life, to begin to utilize the time that I have better, I have the curve ball coming at me – messing with me all over again. The one thing I’ve found that helps me to deal with those curve balls is a combination of flexibility and trusting God for all the details to come together in His perfect plan. I learned to be flexible by first trying to be rigid in my opinions and actions, which only caused me misery and heartache. I often hurt those I love in the process of knowing I was right and sticking to it.  It just didn’t work. Slowly, I eased up a bit and learned that being flexible wasn’t so hard and it works a whole lot better. Trusting God has also been a learning process. One of those curve balls hit our finances and we lost our home; we sold the house two months before it would have been sold at auction on the courthouse steps. After paying all the bills, we had enough for three months rent. At the end of those three months, we had no money and we were facing eviction and homelessness. That’s when the miracles of God’s provision took over and taught me what trusting Him is about. We have lived 5 ½ years under His provision, out of the rat race, paying no mortgage or rent, and have learned God is worthy of our trust. Our home now is in a park, with the beauty of evergreen trees surrounding us, a glorious river and trees covering a majestic bluff. Now, when I have those inevitable curve balls coming at me, I am only flustered a short while. It is much easier to relax into that flexibility and sit back and know that God will be there, always loving me and giving me grace, so that I can handle whatever that curve ball is. 

February 2, 2010   Locating Respect

    I’ve been used to little demeaning jabs – overlooked them as merely teases. Over time, it builds like a Lego Land city project. Then, without a hint of what’s coming, it hits me over the head. After thinking through all the angles, I begin to realize that all of this has to do with respect. I find myself asserting the right anyone, and indeed everyone, has - to be treated with respect. I marvel that I have lived through years of being disrespected and demeaned … and allowed it to continue. And how it is possible to actually change how another person chooses to interact? In reality, I am only able to change my own behavior. I remember halting attempts (even though I hadn’t connected it with needing to be respected) – asking, pleading, arguing, demanding, and yet it may come down to the inability of this other person to offer respect. Merely asserting my right to respect may not even still be enough. I may have to limit my interaction with this person, thereby limiting my vulnerability. It would be the last choice, for all this time, I’ve chosen to be in close relationship and would be very sad to let it go. At the end of the day, it really is important to be in relationship, where respect is foundational. The whole thing is exhausting. I’ve been so busy evaluating my own attitudes, to make sure I was doing the right thing, I never thought to examine what was being done and said to me. I simply responded to the hurt I felt, without understanding why I was hurting. I’m worn out of hurting and I want to live differently. So now, I’m searching, not only in this relationship, but in life in general. I’m trying to locate respect. Is it so hard to find? Is it so hard to give? I think the ultimate level of respect is found in God. Whether or not it is experienced in relationships, with God, there is a level of respect and value that eases the pain of my soul. Today, I’m going to rest in this divine respect and value, knowing my God loves me.

January 30, 2010   Mirror of the Eyes

   I’m fascinated by the ability of my eyes to perceive myself differently than I really am. I look at myself in a mirror and I see even my face as thinner than it really is. When I see a photo of my face, I’m surprised that it shows a reality that I’m not really ready for! I wonder if I have the flip side of how people who are anorexic see themselves as too fat, I don’t feel as heavy as what the scale says, nor do I see the poundage that a camera would pick up. Similarly, I perceive my voice and even what I say differently than what a recording picks up. When I see a DVD of myself, my, what a surprise I have! Can that possibly be me? I have a recording of miserable words blaring at me, in my own head, questioning why I look this way or why I said a particular thing. I’m learning more about public speaking and have occasional opportunities to gain experience. I seek the Lord’s provision, for His words of compassion and love to be the ones that come out of my mouth. Then, when those miserable words of attack come in my head, I can purposefully set them aside – as old wadded up newspaper, useless and undeserving. Without God in the process, I would be a nervous wreck trying to talk in public, always questioning how I look and what I’m saying. With God, I can be at peace, before, during and after, knowing He holds me in His hand and guides me. All the other is dross, to be sloughed off. I don’t have to trust my eyes and ears to perceive myself with a measure of truth, even if it is way off. I am much more confident and even joyful because the Lord God, He is The Truth and I am His child.

January 28, 2010    Juggling Stuff ~ Setting Priorities

   January brings out the projects in my life: preparing taxes, cleaning out and organizing closets, setting goals, mending and catching up on sewing projects, writing projects and the inevitable other things that crop up. I feel like a clown trying to juggle all the odd shaped projects and before they all drop, I slow down enough to set priorities. This year, I’m helping a loved one clean and organize and then whew, I’m worn out so much, I have to rest up. But I’m also invigorated, with just the accomplishment of helping another juggler. I set funny priorities, based on a) time sensitive projects, b) short or on-going projects and c) type of physical exercise involved. Because I have fibromyalgia, I have to limit those projects that are physically demanding to 1 hour or less each day. Then, I have to rest and later, can begin again with a less physically demanding project. If I don’t work on setting the priorities, I find that I get overwhelmed with all the stuff I could do and sometimes even throw them all up in the air and do nothing. The problem that arises is a funny little habit I have with playing computer games, eating or even reading a novel all day all day long. Once in awhile, it’s not so bad; every day – it’s really not such a good thing at all. I do better if I take the time to set priorities with my projects. I’m always working on being more consistent with things that are important to do. I also try to take time with my friends and have some fun. The one main priority that I’ve been setting for myself is to read the Bible each morning, beginning each day with my Lord. With Him, the rest of my day falls into place so much more peacefully and purposefully.

January 27, 2010    Respecting My Friend

   Some of the social networking sites on the worldwide web have interesting games, family tree programs, made up gifts to send to each other and other ways to connect with each other. On the surface, these are great fun and seem harmless enough. However, the more I see of them, the more concern I have. With every keystroke on these activities, the host companies are allowed open access to the user’s information, as well as the information of not only the recipient, but of every friend of the user. Indeed, on one family tree program, additional information is requested, including birthdays, birth places, names of spouses and relationship information. I have decided, out of respect for you, my friend, that I will not participate in any of these activities. I do not want to open the door to your information to be used in any way that you might be uncomfortable about. I am concerned that all this information from these social networks is being sold as marketing information. Please do not be put off by my choice to block these applications. I enjoy the other aspects of social networking, keeping up with friends and family. It is a beautiful thing to value each other’s lives, in pictures and notes as we post them on these sites. Each person decides what is a comfortable level of involvement on the sites for him/her. I run a balancing act of reaching out, for fun and entertainment, and pulling back because of privacy concerns. Technology that brings so much that is positive can also bring negatives with it; I like to be vigilant.

January 25, 2010    A Voice from Long Ago

    I’ve been given a gift that is precious indeed. In the form of a cassette recording, the voice of my mother shared her life in a voice letter to a loved one. Tears flowed, both in gratitude and in grieving. I knew that I would be emotional, but I had no idea of the depth of emotions that would be evoked. I haven’t heard that voice in 13 ½ years, since she left this world. I’ve missed her so much; what a joy to hear her voice, all at once comforting and sweet. I am so very thankful I have the wonderful hope of reuniting with her because of the grace and love of Christ; the one thing I know with all that is in me is the fact of her childlike faith in Christ. That day will be overflowing with joy. For now, I will cherish the tapes of her voice letters.

January 23, 2010    Sewing Up the Seams

   I have been doing some mending and found that there is a link between the physical step of sewing up seams in a garment and sewing up holes in relationships. It is such a good thing to open up the door of reconciliation, with appropriate boundaries of respect. Forgiveness is a choice meted out each day, with one day building upon the previous, until one day it doesn’t feel so hard letting go of past wounds. I relish the feeling of reconciliation and peace in relationships. I also love the feeling of forgiving myself and soaking in the love of God, who not only forgives me, but shows me how to forgive myself. I can be at peace with myself in His love. It is the beginning of new life, like the trees and flowers budding out in the springtime of life.

January 21, 2010    Learning Machine

    I have been helping a dear one, first with cleaning and later on, organizing and clearing up her apartment. Over the years, I’ve taken these same steps with her, but to no avail. After the season of assistance, she felt overwhelmed once again and things would pile up again. Today, as we cleaned together, I saw something new and exciting. She was owning the process, deciding on how she wanted to accomplish the cleaning. Then, she remarked on the things she’s been learning on the internet and on the TV. It is miraculous; she has been soaking in the information about cleaning and organizing for at least the last six months. She was ready to make these changes, cleaning her counters and adjusting her cooking patterns to keep her kitchen clean on an ongoing basis. I told her that she is a learning machine, using the sources of information to help her prepare mentally for the changes that are needed. Years ago, my efforts to teach, or guide in the area of cleaning, were received like a bad cold – tolerated but not welcomed. Now, I’m seeing a fantastic shift toward competence and confidence in her cleaning. The only step now is helping her to develop a continuing pattern of keeping her apartment clean and organized. I am thankful that God is working in her life, helping her to expand her intellect to fully understand and implement new ways of living. She is indeed a learning machine! And, blessings upon blessings, she is my daughter.

January 20, 2010    A Hug Speaks Volumes

   The good touch of a hug meets the emotional and physical needs every person has. I had too many years of painful bad touch and now, with the great healing of the Lord sinking deep into my soul, I love hugs. Fun hugs with my granddaughter, warm hugs with my kids (who aren’t so little anymore) and profound hugs with my brothers and sister. The love shared is unique and cherished with each hug. Also great are the long distance hugs that are beyond the physical, but are just as precious – with loved ones over the phone lines or in cyberspace. A final hug is the one reserved for the one who gave His life to save me, my Jesus. I really look forward to hugging Him in person. For that matter, I am looking forward to hugs in Heaven, with family and friends. A hug to you, my friend!

January 18, 2010    Wiggle Time

   Our little granddaughter announces with amusement flickering in her eyes, “It’s wiggle time!” She loves to play with Grandpa, Grandma and Daddy. We have to purposefully set aside our adult interests of checking e-mail, browsing the internet and cleaning and choose to enter into a time of play with her. She loves just spending time together, having fun. The sweetness of her love, so easily and completely given, is precious! The Lord God is completely and utterly devoted to us and longs for us to come to Him as a child, just wanting to be with Him and have fun with Him. My “wiggle time” with God is sometimes just between Him and I, sometimes with lots of family, sometimes delightful and fun and sometimes quite and profound. I love Him and love being with Him. Today, the grandmother learns from the granddaughter about slowing down long enough to enjoy being together and have fun in a “wiggle time” moment of delight.

January 11, 2010    Gentle Nudging

   When I want to influence someone, I tend to come on too strong, something like a bull dozer. That approach doesn’t work; I’ve found doors slammed in my face and friendships halted. Oooh, that hurts. I am finding myself in the classroom of the loving Spirit of the Living God and I am learning the lesson of gentle nudging. I first experience a stripping off of my “self-righteous” pride and then a generous dose of learning to listen, without judging. The last part is so foreign to my perception of influencing someone that I can hardly fathom its success. The gentle nudge is full of love and is a mere suggestion. Nothing more is offered and expectations are thrown out the window, as though they are invisible weights holding me down. I am free to release this gentle nudge into the hands of the person receiving it and into the hands of God, who will protect it and add His love to it as He confirms it to this dear one. I am released from the follow up; it is between God and the individual. If another nudge is needed, the Spirit will gently nudge me to follow Him in a new step of love. This is far better than my bull dozer approach. I really love being in the Lord’s classroom; He gently nudges me to live better and love better.

January 8, 2010    Setting Aside Strife

   Something harsh was rising up in my throat. I feel completely righteous and almost stomp my feet at the choice of sinful behavior around me. For a moment, I want to confront and challenge people to wake up and honor God with their lives. But I had to stop for a moment and listen … to what God was saying to me about my attitude. It was sinful, judgmental and cruel. All my confrontation would bring is strife. I would be once again labeled “the religious freak” and they would continue all the more encouraged because of the put-down of “religion” by my actions. So many times, that’s exactly what happened … me confronting in my “righteousness” and whatever witness of faith in Christ Jesus I had was wasted in my sinful attitude toward friends and family. Today, in that moment of listening to the quiet voice of God, I learned a new way to handle my frustration of sin all around me – prayer. So many times, prayer is only thought of as a “give me” thing to resort to when death, terror or need arise. I asked God to help me have the right attitude in the situation before me. I was able to release to Him in silent prayer, all of my righteous indignation about the sin, which was well founded and valid. He showed me that it is His righteous indignation flowing through to me and that He wants me to handle it this new way, to set aside strife and simply pray that His Spirit will reach into the lives of those who so desperately need Him, to face the sin that is in their lives and choose to stop and instead, to follow God and seek righteousness. It’s a good prayer, a powerful way to take a positive step when faced with a negative situation.

January 7, 2010    Diligence

   Starting again every day, trying to organize, accomplish and excel is a challenging endeavor. It is much easier to stay sloppy, munch all day and waste time. But day after day of nothingness is still absolutely nothing and is very boring. I spent too many years doing just that. I ate my way through to almost vomiting from eating too much. I whittled away hours before the TV, working hard to get lost in someone else’s life – even if it was a make believe world. I woke up to the reality that I wanted to live in the real world, to live a life of purpose. I face every day the choice to be diligent in my endeavor to write, to encourage people and to honor Christ with the time and abilities I’ve been given. Some days I do well and others, I am a complete flop. Diligence is starting again every day. Today is a new day – thumbs up!

January 2, 2010    Life of a Pray-er

   In the midst of a game day with family, one of our dear ones, on her way to the get-together, faced the horror of an accident, in which a child was hurt and later died. Life is messy and she was a witness to its worst. Courageously, she called 911, told the police what she had witnessed and went home with the horror etched upon her memory. She called her husband and so we all learned of the occurrence and the life of the pray-er began. The dimensions of physical life and spiritual life simultaneously flowed, as family hugged and separated, some to go and assist this dear loved one and the rest to enjoy a meal together. Beneath and behind the hugs, driving, eating and visiting were prayers seeking the comfort and love of the Father God, who is above all things, for our loved one and for this little child and the family who loved the child. On into the evening and as we lay down, those prayers continued and will continue to be lifted up to the Throne of God, The Father of all comfort.